im fucking pissed. my friends are passed out. im wasted. and im sick of being judged and critized for shit that i do. i kinda feel like nothing i do can be understood. i feel more understood talking to a drunken stranger than anything else. people perceive me in so many fucking different ways, its ridiculous.im a lesbian, im too wordly, im ugly. i dont know. why cant i just be normal. i like men, i love God, and im a poor student like the rest of u. someone please understand me.

i cant be around anyone anymore because the comments just go into me too personally and i cant handle it.i know  its stupid but its the sad truth. i take everything to heart and i truly believe thats the right thing to think. its crazy what kinda truth comes out when ure drunk.

i love u guys...and i hate u even more.

i guess ive been back now for a little over 3 weeks. my mom is now gone to peru with ron and here i am alone once again. thank God for kristen, who i would not survive without. she is what keeps me going. i spend every day with her. i sleep at her place more than my own, seriously.

it is difficult to be back. nobody understand. but i just have to accept it and move own or i would be a very lonely person. i am finding that the only people who understand are those who have done it. viola and nina got back from hong kong less than 24 hours ago. i was talking to viola, who i thought understood me pretty well when i was in berlin. and she said that now that she spent 3 weeks in HK she understands me "sosososososososo much more". that makes me happy and sad because i wish it didnt take that for her to understand.

its awesome to talk to hugo, kristens temporary roommate. hes from nicaragua so hes a bit more understanding. but people still make fun of me all the time with there "ive been to india" or "ive been to asia" comments. because i think so much differently now that i have been to these places and sometimes i just have to say "ive been to asia" to try and help them understand why i feel like i do. but it doesnt help because they havent been so they still dont understand.

i hope when i start university i will meet more ppl who will understand. i met this one guy at my work, Corey, who is always going on mission trips in 3rd world countries. i wanna see if he can hook me up. cuz that is something i would definetly love to do but i find its always so expensive and time restricting.

anyways c'est la vie huh. thats all for now.

oh gosh. coming home on wednesday. good news is i found an apart in NDG, RIGHT next to loyola. dunno when i can move in yet and im supposed to be stayin with Bahar but havent heard anything from her in a while...schyza. no problem everything will work it self out. hopefully i will still have a job. hopefully my friends will still love me and not think im some wordly snob because for the next 6 months all the stories i have and things i say will probably be in relation to asia and something that happened to me. this is just another stepping stone in my life, just a slightly huger one than most. i am a totally changed and revived person. i love God and i love my life. i went to some really rich guys 18th bday party last night and decided i am SO glad im not rich. that is totally not a lifestyle i want and i think my life is way better than any of theirs-seriously. they were all 18 year old alcoholic chain smokers...yay. God works in mysterious ways, and i kinda really like the way he has worked with me.

so life is good. ive experienced a big initial culture shock here which will hopefully make getting back to montreal a bit easier.

i hope that you guys had a great camp this wknd-let me know how it went down. see u next week!!! (CRAZAY)